May 22nd, 2005
-:: a late review of...lateness? whatever ::-
(01:56 PM) May 20, 2005 (Friday)
a revelation?
no...it was there all the time, lurking just under the thin film of my consciousness.
i knew, but i did not really want to; hence the automatic brain fact-hider pilot.
but it burst out, like every single thing does sooner or later. and like always with you, i am stabbed deep---
i feel it, a single deep hit inside my chest, then an excrusiating corkscrew-like twisting.
and then just as suddenly, a strange empty place where the stab had been; raw, throbbing, and filled
with nothing.
nothing---until the great warm gush of blood, draining me of myself; in the unstoppable rush are dreams,
nightmares, words, silence, and everything that was and is I.
i see you, i know you, You Are; i bleed for everything you are and everything you will never be, for your
dreams and fears and tears, yours and yours alone. i bleed for the love that will never be mine; for the hate,
even, and for everything that breaks you and crushes you and throws you down bruised and senseless and
alone.
right now, i want to rush at something, anything--hit this mirror or those windows, the door, the walls,
anything i can reach; to ease this pain inside me and to feel the real raw pain bursting and exploding and
breaking apart my skin, to see the real blood flowing.
what is real?
this silence, this catatonic unmoving, this cathartic inner breakdown. i sit, still and silent, a statue with a
bleeding, twisting, self-destructing heart.
i have gotten so used to sitting silent and letting it all wash over me that now, when i wish i could do
something, i cannot move an inch.
so i continue life with this metaphorical bleeding inside; would you stop it if you knew? perhaps, perhaps
not. metaphorical pain is not strange to you anyhow (is there such a phrase?). then again...
why would you even want to do so? i am nobody important.
i am only just another human being. i am nobody special.
i am only me.
...
oh, anyone for fresh blood? there is plenty here, warm and thick and flowing free from this new wound
dealt me. take it all, drain me, don't let me get away alive.
...i thought not.
<< mortality is extremely demoralizing. >>
it makes me think, somehow...gods and the like must have a pretty hard time trying to cover up their
mistakes; being human, you can just say you are imperfect and that'll be done with. but with gods...you
cannot be imperfect---maybe that's why they made up the story about us having to learn and getting our
share of karma and all that jazz...or else That Guy Up There just has a really sick sense of humour; we pay
the price and for what we don't know, we suffer ourselves a lifetime of pain so that we'll qualify for a slot
in the heavenly apartments that no matter how you view it you will never be sure they exist.
the faithful have definitely less words to say about the matter, excepting the priests and what-not.
too bad for you, i'm not quite sure about myself at the moment.
hence the barrage of words that have nothing to do with your life at the moment apart from being one whole
waste of time.
...
mmm, cookies.
yay.
